There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
