Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
