If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
