girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
