New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Couch. On fire.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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