i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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