You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
