If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
