Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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