His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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