forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
