You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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