No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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