did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
3pm strippers are depressing
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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