You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Houston, we have a squirter
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize
