I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
