Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
