The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
