Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
