Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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