oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
