Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize