i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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