I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
