I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Welp...herpes.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
we're so committed to being not committed
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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