I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
