They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
