No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
