Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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