I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I puked a lego.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize