if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
