yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize