i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
