i think my tv is drunk
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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