Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
