i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
