I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize