gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
