and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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