Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The uberlube is also flammable
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
