I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
