I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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