My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
