I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
