I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
