well I can't set my house on fire every night
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
