Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
