two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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