I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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