The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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