So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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