omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
