I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
