Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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