NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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