I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
