there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
