You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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