Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
