his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
