running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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