just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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